Note to Self: Don’t Hold Back (A blog on LGBTQ+, rage, and staying kind)

Truth: I’m feeling kind of pissed off at myself right now. Frustrated even.

And I’m sharing it here because it’s real. Because I want to show the human stuff, the struggles, hoping it might encourage someone out there who needs to hear that we all have this kind of mess going on.

A little voice in me immediately says, “Ugh, this is all sounding way too heavy again.”

Maybe I should throw in some humor? Because honestly, I love laughing. I love people who are funny, especially those who can drop a perfectly timed joke in the middle of the darkest shit. (One of my oldest friends is a total pro at this, by the way. Even when she’s neck-deep in crap, she’ll flip the world off with a razor-sharp one-liner. And let’s be honest, those are the best.
The ones that make you laugh out loud at the absurd cruelty of life.)

It’s a tricky thing, staying honest and raw. Because I really do believe in keeping things light sometimes. Looking at stuff with a wink, not taking everything so damn seriously, that helps.

But on the flip side, I’ve got a mild allergy to sugarcoating. When someone insists on sprinkling love and light over everything, or relentlessly positive-thinks their way out of every real emotion, I honestly just think: Oh f*ck off.

Note to self: Not everything needs to be so d*mn nice.

Back to my frustration.

I was mad at myself this morning. Because I noticed that there are things I want to make… but I don’t dare to.
I feel like I want to be even more expressive. Even bolder. And the worst part? I’m the one out here constantly shouting about raw emotion and putting it all on paper, so when I hold back, I feel ashamed.

It doesn’t feel true. And then I get mad at myself:
What’s holding me back? The opinions of others?
Am I really still that scared that people would get angry at me?
After all these damn years, therapy even, am I still stuck there?

Maybe it’s not even that weird that I’m scared of it.
There is a lot of anger in the world.
And honestly? A lot of the anger makes sense.

In one of my recent videos, I spoke up. I said I can’t and won’t support anyone who is not open to the LGBTQ+ community, who isn’t pro-choice, or who isn’t in favor of equal rights. Because I’m seeing shit in the world that truly terrifies me and enrages me.

And then… a few people sent me lovely messages, thanking me, for supporting the LGBTQ+ community.
Which was sweet. But it also made me think: Wait… Whut?
My remark is not even about “supporting” that community.
I don’t want it to have to exist as a separate thing in the first place.
It shouldn’t even be a topic.

We’re all just people. That’s it.

I don’t care if you have a womb and wish you had a penis.
Or have a penis and love people who also have one.
Or love wearing dresses. Or enjoy threesomes.
I really, really, really don’t give a f*ck as long as it’s with mutual consent, we’re being kind to each other and trying to understand one another.
D*mmit.

Oops.
Guess I just did say what needed to be said.
It felt good.

Don’t get mad, though.
If you come at me with anger, I’ll just quietly delete your comment with love. No explanation.
Just so you know. 😉

Love ya! Marieke